So Hard To Do

Whoever said that breaking up is hard to do......was definitely right.

The last blog I have on here is directed to some friends of mine. It's a lot of drama circulating around the Anita Baker site that I created. I went off. My anger got out of control. My initial thing was to just rant and rave on here so I could feel better, then let it simmer. My friends ended up seeing the post. They didn't like it. I, in turn, was banned from the site. The reality of all this made me feel so bad. I proposed to them all that they not re-enter me back into the site, and that they forget about me as well. I told them that I don't know how I could ever talk to them again. Nothing would ever be the same and it's all my fault. Lauren and Tracie hadn't replied yet, the only one that did was my mom, Leigh. She started to talk to me and we didn't talk about what happened. We finally talked about it today, and I requested that she forget about me, possibly forever. She agreed and I said goodbye. I feel like a piece of my soul has been ripped out of my body. She was my life-line and I took her and my friends for granted. I always forget about the sake of others and I am so selfish to the ones that I love. I really truly do love them. If I didn't, I wouldn't be crying hysterically like I am right now. I just don't know why I have to do this. I loved them so much, the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt them. I can't imagine how they feel right now. I have no idea. I am such a fool. They cared about me so much, and I just threw them away like it was nothing. I know that no one wants to be around me right now. There aren't words to explain how I am. All I know is that I am pathetic. I can't even keep friends. Friends that love me no matter what I did. My heart is breaking into two and my soul is withering away as I type this. I always said that I was numb and bitter for many different reasons. But I know that soon I will actually be numb and bitter. I always let my issues take control of my life. I just want to be normal. That's my ultimate wish, to be normal. To have friends and for them to like me without trying, and for me to keep them. I feel like someone stabbed me in the gut and I realize that I'm the one that did the stabbing. It's my own fault and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Hopefully, their online experience can be so much better now that I am gone. I know that other than me, they didn't have any drama to deal with. It was only me. It's all my doing. If only I could go back in time and stop myself from doing it in the first place./Then, I wouldn't be feeling like I am slowly dying inside.



I can't stop crying the tears of a pathetic teenage girl on a path of self destruction.

I just can't stop crying.